I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
