hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He passed out mid-signature
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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