I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
my poor anus
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
