Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
