yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
