im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I would fuck him just for his dog
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