i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
