she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
