I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I am mentally ready for anal.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
