I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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