what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
