Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
