Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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