I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I skipped work to stalk him.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
