she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
