I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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