I could have mohawked her pubes.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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