The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
