Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
