She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
