I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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