I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
