I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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