I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
