My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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