Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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