Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
there is glitter all over my balls
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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