Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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