theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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