Already got asked if we're dating
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
