If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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