Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
