Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize