I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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