Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
