he shaved USA in his pubs
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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