I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
