I think I died a long time ago.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
