You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We left the knife in your bed.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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