I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
