her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize