I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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