my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
