Jerry, you need to find god
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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