I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize