Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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