cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
