My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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