ugly people sure do ruin things
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Randomize
