I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
