Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
FUCK WHALES
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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