I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You are a genius and a whore.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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