The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
