apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
