Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just high enough for therapy.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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