As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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