I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
